YESU.

I want

to call you

Lover.

 

ROCKSTAR

love indeed pours forth

sunbeams, moonshine, and fireflies

jewels in your eyes

 

TWILIGHT

sunset stretches dark

shadows in pursuit of me

as the tide pulls back

 

FOLLY

kisses in the dark

glances given in secret

shall have no good end

 

MORNING BREAKS

i scrape memories

painful and long forgotten

with tomorrow's hope

 

SUPERNOVA

i see you see me

sing my lover's lullabye

as tears fall slowly

 

BABYLON

oh towers arise

lest you sink in folly's arms

where the furnace waits.    

 

FEAST

come and hold me sweet

on clouds of white make shadows

rain down on my lips

Even as a little girl, something about Japan has fascinated me.. their poetry included.  Here's a little Haiku 101...

Haiku (俳句) is a mode of Japanese poetry. The traditional hokku consisted of a pattern of approximately 5, 7, and 5 morae, phonetic units which only partially correspond to the syllables of languages such as English.

Hokku usually combine two (or rarely, three) different phrases, with a distinct grammatical break (kireji) usually at the end of either the first five or second seven morae. These elements of the older hokku are considered by many to be essential to haiku as well, although they are not always included by modern writers of Japanese "free-form haiku" and of non-Japanese haiku.

While traditional hokku focused on nature and the place of humans in nature, modern haiku poets often consider any subject matter suitable, whether related to nature, an urban setting, or even a technological context. While old hokku avoided some topics such as romance, attraction, violence.. contemporary haiku often deals specifically with such themes.

Traditional hokku required a long period of learning and maturing, but contemporary haiku is often regarded as an "instant" form of brief verse that can be written by anyone from schoolchildren to professionals. Though conservative writers of modern haiku stay faithful to the standards of old hokku, many present-day writers have dropped such standards, emphasizing personal freedom and pursuing ongoing exploration in both form and subject matter.

At first glance a haiku seems very simple - well it actually is, in many ways. BUT there are also techniques which you may use to be able to write a haiku (paradox, opposites, similarity, metaphor, etc).  And there is really no hard rule or measuring stick to judge that one haiku is good the other worthless.  In a sense, I feel the more honest and real your haiku is to YOU, then it is a success.  in any literature - a writer loses his reader when he writes unfaithfully..the same is true here. What I love about a haiku is as long as your haiku remains true to you - about something you've seen, felt, longed for, then you can confuse the reader all you want with riddles and dramatic flair..

here are some of my haiku..  (some are in 5-7-5 forms and others in the 2-3-2 form)

LOSS (here's a contemporary - and lazy hehe - 2-3-2 syllable haiku).. rain causes floods that is true, but what does it mean to say that from your eyes fell raindrops, perhaps in torrents that caused a flood? any person who has grieved at one time in their life will say this is possible. 

raindrops

from my eyes

flooding

 

BUTTERFLY (a 5-7-5)

Flutter doth my heart

at the mere sight of you

dancing in my dreams

Butterfly may be (i say may be so you could ask yourself how these words are true for you) about loving something that continues to be so near and at the same time quite far - like in a dance.  the mention of the word dream gives the impression of fantasy.. as if that something should stay in the stuff of dreams alone - maybe an affair that's not quite "approved" in the real world.  still, the flutter in the heart speaks of something real.. see the confusion there? it didn't say for sure that the "you" was dancing with the author right? so perhaps in the end, the object of desire may be something that the author remains content to watch from the sidelines. for now.

XAM (written for my brother..after fifteen years of waiting for him..)  

little bundle come

on thy mother's bossom rest  

long awaited lamb

 

YESTERDAY

at last

i bid you

goodbye

simple 2-3-2s like this one makes you think.. what is the author saying goodbye to? a past love? a habit? a sin? maybe a choice she made that she wishes to undo.. or simply looking forward to good things for tomorrow? as for the reader, one could ask.. do i turn my back from the past alone or is there a potential part of my future that i have turned my back from even before i have given it an opportunity to arrive?

FIRST

tulips so tender

oh bittersweet beginning 

wrapped around my skin

some would say this is about the joy and pain of giving birth.. some may argue it is about the coming together of man and wife on their wedding night.. still others would say it describes the difficulty and at the same time, the satisfaction that one gets from braving a new territory like a career shift, a marriage, a new relationship, or a project at work.. how about you, what does it speak of to you?

LovEmails 

send your heart's pinings

to boxes on a highway

flying through whispers

- written as a tribute to emailing... an ode to the internet for allowing people to connect in a real way (as hinted by the sharing of the heart's pinings) the boxes on the highway is the give away here, suggesting that these words - were sent in a (in)box and sent on a (information)highway. and there's actually a pun here.. that it flies through whispers - well this is actually a challenge for postmen delivering mail - to do it silently without the hassle of dogs barking and trailing after them.. only in emails could we send letters so conveniently... Oh but if i had not explained the scenario where i took off, some people would say that this speaks of a jilted lover who in an effort to forget her pain, boxes her memories and throws it in the highway (when you want to lose something fast - you throw it outside the window as you speed through the hiway right?).. but like so many things we box and throw away, they miraculously fly through the streets as rumors carried in whispers don't they?

There. That's what a haiku is.  I hope you've enjoyed some of my haiku.  Do start writing your own and try asking close friends what they think it means, you'll be surprised at how close OR how far they get to describing your real thoughts. 

definition of terms:

2-3-2 .. to define let me illustrate...

kat-zy (that's 1-2),

ma-gan-da (that's 1-2-3) 

ha-ha! (and back to 1-2)

5-7-5.. the same goes for 5-7-5. 5 syllables, then 7 syllables, then back to 5.

if i remember correctly..(and for those of you who read the stuff posted here), IF you will notice, i haven't exactly churned out anything at all that's remotely concrete in weeks...you may attribute it mainly to the busy-ness of my days and more recently even my nights. but my priorities get the best of me and i have bills to pay! so i shifted gears and focused on work. 

anyway, previous blogs have just been a series of ramblings. every one of them. sporadic thoughts that do not take more than 20 words to put down... and so i started thinking.. is this Round 2 of the K vs. Creative-Scarcity battle??!! aaccck!!! a terrible terrible affliction that my writing went through a couple of years back. you may call it a drought of inspiration, though i personally call it - a disaster of humongous proportions!  you see i DELIGHT in writing. i bask in it.

[Delight meaning: to revel in; to enjoy; to find immense pleasure from; to consume fully; to be captured or captivated by.] 

my delight. eversince i can remember.

as a little girl i used to read the dictionary and write sentences using the new words i learned, i wrote poetry - dabbling in haiku and free verse at the age of 7, i read and read.. reading at least one book a week from the age of 9 to the age of 23 (the frequency lessened when i started working) so that i will learn how the great writers do it, when a thought comes and jumps in my head, i learned to play around with it, expand it, stretch it, form it until i have a full blown collection of words that i could tie into paragraphs and pages of ideas. even as a young teenager, i was taken with words.. no one can capture my attention more than someone's written thoughts.. i found words very seductive - for lack of better term.. whether the written or the spoken morpheme, they have for me an ability to lure.. and i was reeled in at a very young age. it was later in college though that i started the habit i call "line of the day"..during the course of the day and in between the conversations i have, the dialogues in a movie i watched, the ads i read in the billboards of edsa, and from the things i heard said, something inevitably touches me and it spurns a whirlwind of words and thoughts in my head..much like rhema. woe is me if i do not have a pen and paper at a time like that!!! close friends have witnessed this in one form or another.. they see me scrambling in my bag for a pen and furiously writing.. sometimes, scribbling away on a paper napkin or receipt thoughts i don't want to lose..

then one fateful day, i woke up unable to write. that's the word -UNable. i was aghast. incredulous. like any gift when misused may one day be taken away by the Giver.  the great thing though is the giver decided to give it back...two years later.

but what do you do when something you immensely enjoy is taken away from you? well i tried to forget it like any self-UNdeprecating soul.. but the itch just wouldn't go.  i remember this one time, desperate for a flash of inspiration i set myself up in my room.. i sit in my favorite chair, have my journal in my hand and my favorite writing pen in the other. i close my eyes and breathed.. i played memories in my head, replayed the words i heard during the days, i drew images in my mind from the things i've read but nothing.. then all of a sudden i see it.. a line captures me and i started writing, my hands shaking with anxious excitement.. it was at this moment that my bestfriend, who calls me ketchup said, "ketchup! ano yung..." she wasn't able to finish her sentence.. the first word was barely out when i glared at her, irritated that she dare break my trail of thought and by the time the third word was out from her lips, i was crying. my anger quickly melting to desperation as i turned to her, whom i call banana or baba saying, "ba, nawala..nawala na" i couldn't believe it was gone. just like that.

that was last year. i am way past that. suffice to say, i have been writing like a rocket since last year's breakthrough.. i can't deny though that the past weeks have been real dry... nothing seems to interest me enough to write about it.. when something does and i start to write, the voice in my head trails off after 50 words.. :'( is IT happening again????

then the word hit me. scar tissues. its the dense tissue that forms over a healed wound or cut... i have been cut real bad when my writing was taken away from me. for two years i was lamenting over the loss of my delight.. a lover of sorts. but in the end, an idol - one that i sought refuge from, over and over again.. until finally, it bled dry. when i was ready to forget about it.. he gave it back. after two years of nothing, i feel immense happiness everytime i am able to write anything at all. i don't care if it was any good - i was hot and on fire!!! the wound healed in time.. page after page it healed until nothing was left but a scar tissue.. a memory of the wound. but i grew so used to the scar that i think for some time i forgot where and how i got it..  this scar that served as a warning for me that i have "gifts" to take care of was foolishly forgotten.  i buried it under piles of to-do lists, construction site meetings, book keeping, bazaars, event designing and coordinating activities, and all the other things that make up my days. but blessed be words, today in the whirlwind of thoughts and words that came with scar tissue, i realized that scars do not only remind us of a long gone pain but the victory that we had over it. 

so, NO, the answer to my question is this: the several-week-drought isn't part 2 of the K vs. Creative-Scarcity episode of two years back.  It was simply due, in part, from the overhauling my life's going through right now. i know it now.  i felt the scar and i remembered. knowing i have the scar comforted me too. hmmm imagine finding comfort from something that's supposed to be ugly.

well, you see, i was reminded that everything i am going through, the career shifts, the disappointments, the constant moving, the residence change-again!, even the judgment and the persecution, may cause wounds that hurt and bleed and yes, sometimes - fester.. but like how a rainbow comes after the rain.. after all wounds come a scar.

oh they don't go away like rainbows do.  they stay forever.  so that whenever you want to, you can always count the battles you've won. 

i have lots. how many you got?

for some people, moomba is a restaurant in mother ignacia with flaming walls and ambient lights.. for the final fantasy watcher, it is a furry red creature who dreads leadership.. for the traveller, it is a small town in australia.. and still for some, it's a ma at pa issue. but moomba means something more...

undoubtedly the most unfortunate choice of a proper name from aboriginal sources was made in melbourne when the city fathers chose to name the city's annual festival 'Moomba'. The name is supposed to mean 'Let's get together and have fun', though one wonders how anyone could be naive enough to believe that all this can be expressed in two syllables. In fact 'moom' (mum) means 'buttocks' or 'anus' in various victorian languages (o well..) and 'ba' is a suffix that can mean 'at', 'in' or 'on'. Presumably someone has tried to render 'up your bum' in the vernacular... hmm fishy fishy..

nevertheless.. i'd like to take the "let's get together and have fun" definition as i invite the following people to moomba..

 

i love jordan g!

been terribly busy so i can not afford blogging time. 

this one's for the person who flies on court with the ball.

you're loved baby!!!!

[playing in my head: constantly.. hmm what mood is that?!?] 

you give me hope to leave my past
so I will abandon myself to you
i can't get enough of you
'cause I am in love with you

line that struck me today: i will ABANDON myself TO YOU.

definitions for the word abandon...

• forsake, leave behind
• give up with the intent of never claiming again (my favorite.)
• vacate: leave behind empty; move out of
• reckless freedom from inhibition or worry
• wildness: a feeling of extreme emotional intensity

at 5am today He promised: your hope will NEVER be taken away

ayos.

thank you today for: kopi roti dinner and "dates"; seeing long lost friend 22ts leyesa; prospects of 2 new accounts; kwento with jill; full tank of gas

sorry today for: doing something i knew i shouldn't have

excited tomorrow for: hope that is new every morning

mood: melancholic but hopeful

prayer: jesus, i am truly helpless without you. apart from you i have no good thing. give me the faith to believe for better days.  continue the shaking - i know i am in your hands. i pray for guidance, wisdom, and grace to surround me as i go about my tomorrow. i surrender my heart to you.

song playing in my head: you are my portion by darrel evans 

new thing today: kopi roti with zanne

i want to go to tagaytay; i need to get some alone time; i love the God who loves me

missing: mama; alone time; rest; rhea as usual

This survey is courtesy of mish ballesca..was about to sign out when it caught my attention.. (when will i ever get to sleep earlier that 4am?) 

1.what made you happy this week? 58 minutes talk time with bestfriend

2.what made you sad this week? the thought of having to sell eve

3.are you contented with your life? yes because i have people to love and who love me back.. no because i want to better in loving them

4.has someone/somebody made u happy lately? juan's smile

5.what do you plan to do to him/her? err...smile back?

6.how are you feeling at the moment? sleepy..

7.what/who made you feel that way? looooong week

8.are you the type of person who easily gets hurt? yes..water dam a work in progress

9.do you cry? legitimate crybaby.. when i'm happy. when i'm sad. sheesh...

10.have you ever been to a point in your life that you've thought about giving up? resounding yes. but someone somehow always takes me through the storm.

11.last movie you watched? The Scoop

12. with whom? pesky rabbit and occasional sister, karla

13.last song you heard? holla back girl, playing now hehe

14.last thing you bought? skinny jeans har har

15.last place you went,last food you ate? malate.. button mushrooms and as usual..tofu

16.last thing that made you smile? an email of all things!

17.last thing you heard from your parent(s)? wear your scarf around your waist..(mom), u can't borrow my car. (dad)

18.last thing you said to your parent(s)? i love you, i'm going

19.last thing you said to one of your friends? i love you deane. (oh wow, i say that a lot huh?)

20.last thing you read? today's newspaper

21.last person you called? rhea

22.last person who called you? Julian of the tile gallery

23.last person you msg?jl

24.last person who msg you? jl 

25.last person who gave you a testimonial  JT

26.last person who messaged you in ym?  Rui Caraan, THE goodlooking gay guy bestfriend..

28.last person you're with? deane

27.last person you kissed goodnyt? deane

28.last person you kissed goodbye? jordan

29.last person you think of before going to sleep? God

30.last thing you're goin to do before going to sleep? pray

Best, Worst, Last, First, Today,. Read the following, then fill it out for yourself and send it to your friends.

b e s t
1. Vacation: tagaytay with rhea
2. Age: 27
3. Memory: Penang, KL trip

w o r s t
1. Time of day: 1pm
2. Day of the week: friday. coding.
3. Food: inasal in this inasalan in tagaytay..beelch.
4. Memory: defiant, adulterous years

l a s t
1. Person you saw: ate glo.. our beautiful help..
2. Talked to on the phone: Julian
3. Hugged: Margot
4. Text messaged: Tomas

t o d a y
1. What are you doing now: Answering the survey.
2. Wearing: i shouldn't really..
3. Better than yesterday:yes

t o m o r r o w
1. Is: a workday
2. Got any plans: lots.. looking forward to a good dinner 
3. Goal: success of OIP meeting
4. Dislikes about tomorrow: Possibility of being braindead by 3pm...
5. Do you have work: much

f a v o r i t e
1. Number: 26
2. Song: when we dance, sting
3. Color: green
4. Season: rainy.

c u r r e n t l y
1. Missing someone: bestfriend
2. Mood: get some sleep and lounge under the night sky in a far flung place.. with the least possible brain activity 
3. Someone you want to hear from: God.
4. Plans for the weekend: church.. score some family time and fix up the store

In my room, I am...

1) a nerd? yes.. a reading and writing nerd

2) weird? yes

3) friend ng lahat? no. more like trying to be compassionate to everybody.. but friends? nope.

4) source ng lahat ng answers (assignments, quizes, exams, etc.) during schooling years... hehe

5) secretary (e.g. tga-sulat ng lecture s board pag tmad c ma'am) more like tagasulat ng minutes ng meeting. yes..

6) patawa sa classroom? at times

7) mr/ms. antukin? ooh yes...

8) grade-conscious in highschool.. UP has a way of messing your grades.. huahaha

9) may sariling mundo (e.g. gs2 ng umuwi ng lht dhl ala p c ma'am, pro gs2 png maiwan s
classroom at hi2ntayn dw c ma'am kht anong mngyri) ahh what?

10) tahimik (nasa 1st to 2nd row) highschool yes.  college no.

11) madaldal (nasa 3rd and so fourth row) at times

12) source ng mga walang ballpen and paper? perennial paper and pen borrower.. until now..

13) sipsip kay ma'am? no

14) walang paki kay ma'am? mejo.

15) laging nakakasagot sa recitation? only when called

16) walang bitbit sa classroom kundi ang sarili. in diliman?? oh yeah..

16) black sheep sa classroom (laging napapagalitan ni ma'am) sgt at arms

17) muse/escort escort.. hehe...

18) wlang pakialam pero matataas ang grade i'd like to think so but that would be my bestfriend 

19) math wizard? definitely.. NOT

20) always leader?  a reluctant one at best

KAKAPAGOD TO!! WAAAAH.. di ko akalain..mahaba pala.. but made me think (and re-think) on a couple of things about myself..and well drained.. try it...

[like a star..by c.b. rae and lowrider by war.."take a little trip, take a little trip with me.. take a little trip, take a little trip and see"]

its funny how you try to avoid something and you end up bumping into them in the strangest turn of events.. that's how it went tonight.

after the intimate dinner for the fundraising project at century park, bong, deane and myself decided to bounce to greenbelt.. wearing a dress and all, i-rampa na di ba? but then i looked at the time and thought i'd rather sit and chill in a corner and talk.. so i ended up dropping bong off at segafredo while deane and i headed to malate..

we weren't too picky about the place.. couldn't afford to anyway.. we were both in little black dresses and you shouldn't really walk manila's streets for long geared up like that - lest you want to be picked up of course. so we quickly slithered ourselves into a corner booth of the first bar that caught our fancy.. music was good and there were only a handful of tables filled. perfect.

we were so absorbed in kwento that i failed to notice the raised eyebrow of the waiter who took our order, or that the booths next to us were all in even numbers and all male, or that our holding hands attracted curious glances, i didn't even notice the waiter who shook his head at us when i asked where the ladies room was... it was a solid 30minutes before i realized we were sitting right smack in the middle of a gay bar! huahahaha!

hey not that it mattered of course, the babaylan kisok in UP being a former hangout... but it was so funny and WE WEREN'T EVEN A COUPLE! hehehe.. not by far.  after an hour though, the place got filled up and deane and i decided to ride along.. we wouldn't want to be thrown out would we? besides, their garlic mushrooms were real good.

it was a good day and an even better evening. we laughed and talked and laughed some more until 130 in the morning when we decided to call it a night.  

my lesson..don't try to outrun your past. sit still. wait. and let it pass you... it usually does.

verse for the day.. ephesians 6:12...For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

craving... a single shot extra hot venti soy latte from ishtarbux

thank you today.. for bong who came to the fundraising dinner

highs... spending alone time with deeyoney; eating at kopi roti; receiving a big hug from margot; getting a lunch visit from zanne  

lows... having NO car to use today.. coding. dad refused to lend xeph, mom is using goldie; waiting for a cab in the rain; waking up late; missing most of the fundraising dinner

line that struck me today..  ...darn, if I only knew what my mission is...

[chaka kahn's sweet thing.. sheesh.. don't you hear me talking baby, love me now or i'll go crazy..???! anong klaseng lyrics yun? tsk tsk bad. very bad...]

ghosts haunt me  

love...adorned in fuel and fire

i ought not to, but i BE

hush now sleeping desire

o tummy butterflies flee

moments of delusion

welcomed by the dawn

a thirst for passion

humming in a song

pseudo-love, false high

take away your tempting lies.

sleep now i must

lest for your folly i lust.

it takes a brave woman to admit that there have been and still exists stuff that we fight EVERYday.  Each battle is fought.. though winning is different story.  But if you believe victory has been bought for you, then victory IS upon you... but then again some believe in themselves as much as they doubt.. too bad? yes. but that doesn't make it less true. for some or many of us.  Though we mustn't we do..

This is for women who are bold enough to wage war. and feisty enough to win.

Think about it.. what are the things you want BUT know you mustn't?  To fall or not to fall. THAT is the question.  So which side are you on?  

{listening to flunk's play and erykah badu's next lifetime}

flunk says...

every sinner and every saint
everything...
every picture and look of pains
everyday...
every sunrise and starry night
it's so cold cold yeah beautiful
everybody knows that life can be wonderful
it's a soothing delight and it's smoothing my life

erykah says....

when you smiled at me
so warm and sweet 
i could not stay
you make me feel like a lilting girl
what do you do to me
you're imaging
it picks me up.. don't wanna come down
you got me spinning all around
you need to know
i've got that somebody
you're beautiful
well I guess I'll see you next lifetime
baby we'll be butterflies... next time i'll make you mine

what am i supposed to do when i want you in my world?
how can i want you for myself..when i'm already someone's girl?

nice rhythm. bad idea.

goodmorning manila. and goodnight.

the definition of beauty has been demeaned to connote something that's aethetically pleasing to the sight... not that i would advocate NOT calling the sunset beautiful - it still happens to be one of the most aesthetically pleasing sights i've beheld BUT i'd like to think beauty captures more than what's seen by the naked eye.

beauty touches something deeper in us.  it tugs us from the deep recesses of our sometimes unfeeling and detached hearts and makes us go "aaaaawww" in its presence.. it's the stuff that keeps us going, the things that make us feel alive, and our hearts flutter with excitement. beautiful things come from everyday events as much as momentous once in a life time bingos.

tonight, i want to look back on some of the things i found beautiful...

1. sleeping for a full 8 hours. a rarity nowadays.

2. receiving an "i miss you" message from mishyfish! a dear friend who i terribly miss..

3. eating dinner at this new found resto that's got me hooked on its sizzling tofu steak. and getting to enjoy it with one of the most special people i have in my life, suzanne

4. having my favorite soy latte at adriatico (if i'm not mistaken, that's where we were..) with tomas, emer, jay-r, three of my favorite men in the whole universe and anna, deane, zanne, all gorgeous women and picture addicts.. oh, with zai too, a newfound hangout member..

5. for wrongfully (?) ordering beef and wanton mami at 1am at hapchang and realizing i want to eat rice.. for the lesson it gave me> that i shouldn't settle for the first thing that catches my fancy..as there might be something else on the "menu" that i'd love more

6. finding comfort from two fat british shorthair cats as we lay sleeping beside each other

7. exchanging emails with a relative stranger and finding her thoughts strangely interesting.. a friendly respite to end my crazy days

8.  having the love of an amazing God who forgives and forgives and loves me despite my constant need to be forgiven..

9.  the excitement of finding a museum-partner to go with me on one of my strange urges to go on culture-cultivating-activities -- this time to the relatively new ayala museum. ang mabait na tomas!

10. being a proud owner of a new pair of running shoes to go running in!!!

amidst the flurry of a dizzying schedule, it comforts me to be able to end my day knowing that i have reliable AND i'd like to believe, legitimate sources of natural highs. 

so thank you...for all the people who in their own unique fashion, infuse my life with beauty.

[playing on my drive home: portishead's wandering stars]

as i end my day i think on these things...

dilemma tomorrow: that it's kena's cheering competition from 12nn onwards and i have a meeting with mosaic tiles suppliers at greenhills

i miss having unhurried hours all to myself to think 

i miss boracay's ice rock cafe's calamansi gelato

i want to cut my hair

i want to shave off my hair

i want to go to thailand and cambodia this october

i want a hug

i want to swim

i want to run

i want to hug rhea

i need contact lenses

i need eyeglasses

i need to find my way out of this rut

i need to know how not to care.. if i could

i need to sink deeper in my Lover's arms

i need to know.. what i need to cut and what i need to keep

i love evie

i love music

i love my work

i love to dance  

i want to see juan

i want to sleep

i love anuling

i want to move to tagaytay next year

i want to write and make money from it

i miss Train, Deep Blue Something, and Black Crows

schedule:

am: prepare naomi and her box (and her tuna) for xammy (he's asked to bring a pet to school)derma at 9.get bong's frames at paco, deliver to his condo, hang them, encash check payment of client in malate, set meeting for cable supplier in LGV project with site architect, take pictures of bath tiles at the fort, write content for ANU's, Clotheshop, and All About Eve's teasers for upcoming wedding expo, buy samples and finalize packaging-set pricing strat and take shots. Design poster for AAE's September Splash for Friday next week.. send invites through email.

pm: check out oil painting in greenhills gallery for client, meeting with julian for italian tiles at 230, meeting with cable supplier at 4 at annapolis, LG at 6 at rob, singles meeting at 7pm in malate, prepare reports for friday's afternoon meeting

i love my life.    

thought before i sleep: i know who i want to take me home. take me home.

goodnight love.

{smashing pumpkins: landslide.. how depressing can i go? well there's U2's Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me}

You don't know how you got here
You just know you want out
Believing in yourself
Almost as much as you doubt
You're a big smash
You wear it like a rash
You're a Star

a nursery rhyme keeps on playing in my head for the second night now..

hmmm. i wonder where lomodude is   i'm too tired to write something substantial so i'm just blabbing about what's risen to the surface... it was a good day. a good night.  

[Thankful today for: pastor dennis' preaching that really struck home]

[Sorry today for: a semi-sharp retort that came out of my mouth this afternoon in answer to an insult. tsk tsk]

[Try this: praying for your country rather than reciting a litany of its flaws.]

[Missing: Rhea today. Got 58 minutes talk time tonight though HALLELUIA!]

[Excited tomorrow for: work haha always have been]

[Playing: bb king's since i met you baby]

if you ask me three months ago what a LOMO is.. i'd probably say "Dunno. Don't care." but my sister (herself a budding shutterbug) and one of my boyfriends introduced me to what THEY (famed lomographers) call their art...

hmm... interesting.

but it wasn't until the eve of september 16 that i had a real taste of it. oh on hindsight, maybe i should say mouthful.

i hung out tonight at BLACKSOUP Projects  in what they call cubao x.. the event is called LOMOLOVE and it's presented to you by LOMOManila.  (runs until october 9 check it out!!!)

here's what i've to say about this LOMOLOVE-making thing.. well from an outsider's  point of view...

i have to hand it to LOMO's artistic aspect. LOMOgraphs give the first impression of pictures shot with the least possible brains. HEY NOT in a bad way...it's like "Don't think just take."  Point and shoot and voila! The shots taken at night are especially delish! Mulling over the pictures on the wall I noticed that most were taken from interesting angles.. and in many cases, seem blurry- for lack of better term.  The underlying philosophy i think is to let go of all the rules of traditional photography and capture life as it is, as directly and as truthfully as possible. no planning, no focusing, no thinking.  As they say..take lang ng take!! All in an effort to translate this freedom, this spontaneity, into pictures - or LOMOgraphs.

The pictures that make up the LOMOWall of the Gallery are like a cross between reality, hazy visions, and graphic design tied together by an amazing play of amber, berry, and crimson lights in this collage of dreamlike quality. 

Wild. Nonchalant. Young. Each one boasting of spontaneity... and everyday life's irreverence.

Of course I do not speak these people's language. So i may just be rambling ignorantly here.. though i must say, i'm smitten by the lomobug.  NOT that I'm ditching my dij for a Holga (though if you'll give me yours..YOU know who you are!!! I might consider..) anytime soon BUT it really has opened my eyes to another level of appreciation for this craft.

All in all, despite my early misgivings & plans of not going out anymore tonight, i'm glad i did.

(Sidetrip to PABLO Gallery's 1st Year Anniversary)

I really enjoyed the evening.  At seven o' clock, I knew just one person there...by ten pm, i was thoroughly enjoying Drip and people-watching! by midnight i was singing myself crazy, jamming with a bunch of gorgeous people (who by the way i enjoyed because they laugh a lot) and finally by one thirty in the morning, i was ending the night with a good meal and conversation with new faces. 

Tonight in two words? I LIKE!  Maybe it's because of the crowd... Laid back. Or the atmosphere.. Steady.  The music.. oooh Solid!  The food's a hit too for me... try Blacksoup's adobo pasta..

Oh and before I go, I was totally crushing on a certain lomoperson there.  amazing voice man! earcandy in all its glory. smart mouth. quick wit. and the swagger in the walk?! freak. a sight to behold. it's been ages since i went crushing over someone. haha. praise jesus for making such a creature!   

LOMOManila in one word. RAW.

[PLAYING: fishcake by p.o.t. on my drive back home and right now, gimme one reason by t.chapman]

i find i'm moving to the rhythms of your grace

your fragrance is intoxicating in our secret place

your love is extravagant

no great love have i ever known, you considered me a friend

capture my heart again

capture my heart again

In his song, Your Love is Extravagant, Darrell Evans almost puts into words the romance Jesus has brought in my life, the yearning that keeps me up in the evenings, the desire coursing through my entire being.  But I say "almost" because this kind of love cannot be contained by mere words... Can you paint the majesty of a sunset?  How do you cup the ocean with your hands?  Or make music like a hummingbird?  All we can do is try.  No set of words ever seems enough to truly describe what we have or how he makes me feel.  But I can try...

The word extravagant is aptly used in the song I just shared (It's in my playlist, Music for the Soul, by the way) to describe the heart-thumping lovestory that greets me in the mornings.  Well, He IS extravagant!  Which of your lovers could you boast of for painting the stars in the skies? For growing flowers in your garden? Or for wooing you with the sweetest voice? Or writing the sweetest words and fulfilling every last one of his promises?

I read once that if the angels in heaven are divided into departments a la Postal Office, the department with the least traffic and bustle of working angels will be the one handling Thank-You-for-Letters... The heaviest work with the greatest number of angel staff will be the one processing Pls-Give-me-Letters and coming at a (very) close second is the department handling Why-is-this-happening-Letters, the third will probably be the group sorting through I-Hate-Her/Him-may-this-happen-to-Her/Him-Letters.  The list goes on but what struck me was the picture these words painted in my mind.  I see a picture of an office..for the top three busy departments, I imagined an inevitably noisy and very busy environment.  Everyone is hard at work because with the volume of the letters they have to sort through, they have to work double-time AND overtime...I even imagined the stress level here, the rate of turn-over, the burnout ratio! whew!  And then in the Department for the Thank-You-for-Letters I pictured that the Head, Assistant, Staff, and Messenger will be one and the same angel.  Compared to the rate that we humans ask, complain, and gripe about things to the frequency with which we find things to be thankful for, it is easy to imagine that the angel in charge of this department definitely has a lot of free time in his hands.

But I have the most extravagant lover! "Extravagant" defined as excessive, plentiful, bountiful.. I can see no reason why there is absence of activity in the Thank-You Department!!!  How could we NOT find things to say thank you for?!?!  Nevertheless, I want to give some work to that lone angel and send to the Heavens my Thank-you-for-Letter...

(Not in order of importance okay!... just to dispel probable questions...) 

Dad for being the kind of husband to my mom that never forgets to kiss her and tell her he loves her in the mornings

Mommy for the beauty she lends to anything and everything she touches

Karla for making me laugh like no one else could

Mike for being my baby girl and private dancing doll

Xam for making me think in my head "ang guapo ng kapatid ko" whenever I see him. truly. he's such a bog guy now!

Mama for giving me a picture of humility and perseverance. very consistent. wow.

Papa for the way he makes me feel that he is proud of his grand daughter

Tessie for showing me that aunts can be a lot of fun

Keil and Riv for the way you say "ate k" 

For all my little girl cousins... for being so beautiful that I am reminded to pray as well to be blessed with such gorgeous curly haired girls

Sting, Soundgarden, U2, Pearl Jam, Metallica, Better than Ezra, Alice in Chains, DMB, Train, Madonna ;), Guns and Roses, and so much more!!! for providing my growing up years the noise I called music

Cynthia Alexander, Grace Nono, Sade, and Erykah Badu, Tori Amos for rivaling hummingbirds  

UP for providing me with such tough training in patience (making pila all those years!), for giving me another chance (my dean will know this, hehe), for afternoons in our "Paradise", for making me fluent in tagalog.. TIGAS to!!!, for its speeding ikots & tokis and oh so wonderful isaw stands. for being the BEST university to go to or to fall in love with ;D

Cito Beltran for his smart mouth and inspiring intelligence 

Jessica Zafra's biting comments for making me itch to write with such casual disdain at things she calls "mediocre"

San Andres, Manila for proving that the first impression is not always right! LONG LIVE MANILA! for being a place where I can always find real people and have the pleasure to call them my childhood friends

Crazy highschool and college friends who provided me the freedom to be who I want to be and for long-standing friendships that are even more beautiful this day as it was years before 

Long walks. Conversations. Sunsets. Mornings. Blues. Babies. The night sky.  Weddings. Chocolate. Salsa. Bossa. Full moons. gorgeous shoes. sales at rustan's, rockwell, and even sm for its cgreat cheap finds that could pass for topshop hehe..for reminding me there are beautiful things in life 

All About Eve. Peanut butter. Shells. Malaysia. Soy Latte. The blue stamped word in bills saying "Paid". For showing me that promises do come true.

For my uncles for showing me how men can age handsomely

My Juan and Too and Tellie... hehe.. for reminding me how exciting being a girl can be

Rhea for lovingly and proudly accepting me as her bestfriend - the worst and best versions of me both oh and for teaching me how to burp, run, laugh and cry at the same time, and to swagger like a man... hihi. beautiful heaven sent woman.  

My church for teaching me what it means to rise up and rise up and RISE UP whatever the cost

the singles core team, MABUHAY KAYO! tomas, jekoy, leonard, jay-r, zanne, anna, margot, deane, tisha for being joyful creatures who directly or indirectly showed me the definition of the words, commitment, excellence, self-lessness, loyalty, forgiveness, and integrity.. beautiful iron sharpeners every one of them.

Dancing under the moonlight, kayaking alone, love drives with baban, when a loveone sang (complete with guitar accompaniment) a lovesong for me. quiet dinners at tagaytay hideaways. hot choco before a bonfire in baguio. orange wildflowers placed lovingly in my hair all moments of romance in my life 

Second, third, fourth, Nth chances from the one I call Lord

MY list goes on and on...BUT I hope this inspires you to think of the things, from the mundane to the monumental - that you can thank God for WHENEVER the gripes threaten to come out of your lips. 

IF and WHEN you still can't rake your mind for a single thing to make you feel grateful... there is one that will take the place of all else.. (let me borrow Darrell Evans' words again for that..)

 Jesus, Your love has given me the freedom that i've never known

Your love, is bringing me home.

Your love is extravagant.

So, who says love is cheap? 

Life has a way of messing with us.  Not that I'm being a pessimist.  God knows.. I have been nothing but positive.  Albeit almost to the point of living in my own happy sparkly lala land just so I wouldn't feel any of the things that hit me that night.  THAT night.  It was a Sunday and I just got back from a two-week hiatus of sorts.  I have been busy with my work at the construction site, the store, paying bills, making money, finding writing stints, and well going to the province for my mama.  And contrary to popular (and malicious) belief, I have not been out there back-sliding or better yet falling in love. Yup. You read it right.  Hmm brave comment huh?  Well, I'm sure others would think that way, yet still there are types who would say, "she's defensive!" -- oh yeah, I know who you are, you played a starring role in fueling this fire, the likes of you.  But people who really know me and I tell you there's very very few of them - kinda see this coming.  If singers sing their angst out, and dancers shake their worries off, writers, write theirs away.

Only two days after I have found the peace, joy, love, and comfort of peanut butter - I hear things being said about me.  Talk that is innocently labeled love, concern, and worry.  But let me ask you, why is it that no one, not one "loved" or "cared" enough to talk to me about it?Better yet, nobody had the guts to come right up to me and ask me.  What, you're afraid if I speak the truth it wouldn't be as juicy as the rumors going around?  That if you found out that the truth was plain old boring compared to the thoughts running around your head, the meaning you place in things that you see, and the excitement of your conclusions, then it would not be half as fun?  Well I am so sorry to douse your fire honey, but you whisper all you want about what you think you know, it still doesn't make it true.

Besides, I have enough hope to get up in the morning, love God, walk the path cut out for me, serve those who cross my path, and most of all --- forgive those who cross me... =)  .They're all forgiven by the way and loved despite the hurt.  The trust though is hard to get back, if I could at all.  

Gossip is a terrible terrible weapon of choice.  It cuts without visible wounds, destroys from the inside, and severs trust and relationships - precious gifts that cannot be bought at any price. 

So next time you want to open your mouth about a person, especially those who love you -- pause and think again.  Or you may ask yourself, "Am I ready to lose this person's trust and trample on the love this person has offered me?"  If the answer's still yes.  Then by all means, fire away.

As for me, the little fighting lady soldier.. I've had my share of pruning and disciplining over the past month.  Probably so much more learning sessions than all of last year's twelve months combined!  But I tell you, the rewards of those who persevere are great indeed.  Life is definitely not so peachy for me right now in terms of my finances, my writing, even my relationship with clients. I can go on and on about the things that make my life miserable BUT WOULD IT CHANGE MY CIRCUMSTANCE? No.  Definitely not.

So what do I do?  I run to God all the more, sink deeper into his arms, remind myself of his promises, focus on his faithfulness and BELIEVE.  Stand strong and believe for even if this world crushes me with its weight and crumbles right before my eyes, I am secure.  I know where I stand.  And the truth is -- He knows what He is doing.  I'm just riding along... 

Hey don't get me wrong.

Broken hearts are NOT only caused by romantic heartaches and mushy whatnots... I call my heart  broken because it was hurt.  Just had to clear that one out for those of you thinking something else!   Nevertheless, the prerogative to deduce whatever you want from my previous blog... Babblings of the Broken-hearted will remain ultimately yours. 

But moving on... (hmm nice choice of words-moving on)... I spent thursday night at my friend's house and we talked until 4am.  We did so much! We ate, watched, cried, prayed, laughed, giggled, joked, and hugged until the wee hours of the morning.  Blessed woman!  The evening was such that it unfolded out to be a much needed break from work and stress.  

The past days have been a roller coaster of emotions (or should I say crazy octopus?!). They were beautifully surprising though...  I didn't realize that it would take a broken heart for me to realize the joy, the excitement, the peace, the love I ALREADY had in my life. Now. 

And to top it all of, my Knight is such an amazing, amazing lover!  Why?? Well let me tell you why..

1. He gave me solace of the heart.

The past few days have been the most peaceful, most God-filled, most joyful I have been in a long time.  I feel so close to Him.  No, not just close... I feel FULL of Him.

I can almost taste His nearness, hear His breath as He murmurs the sweetest promises, and my...what can compare to the warmest kiss in the mornings?  Exquisite love..sigh..Talk about romance. 

2. I am still. 

Nothing, absolutely NOTHING beats the quiet confidence that comes with knowing that you are in the center of God's will.  Right here. Right now. 

We've often heard it said..."stay in the circle of God's grace".."obey for there you will find favor".. BUT actually being able to say you're there? Incomparable!

I remember darling Agot on her birthday, she said that she just knows she is right where God wants her to be and doing exactly the things God wants her to do. 

I was stumped to hear that... I know I wasn't doing anything wrong or anything like that, but being a thousand percent sure I am doing all the things God wants me to?  I'm not THAT sure somehow.  

But thank God for teachable hearts, I quickly said a silent prayer - "God I want you to bring me there." Heck. I'm sure I couldn't go there myself! Hello. Who am I kidding?! And because He is faithful.. HERE I AM..  Right smack in the center of His glorious plan! 

3.  He gave me Peanut Butter. 

Whaaat?! Yup. There's peanut butter in my life now. You see, eversince I was a kid I worshipped peanut butter.. adulterous little girl that I used to be.  Of course back then it was Jesus dacuff who?!?! So peanut butter was my agimat, my scapular, my quick fix, my refuge and rock (?!)   And so I tend to OD myself on it.  It wasn't just when I was hungry.  The beautiful sweet and salty brown goo was also good for lonely moments, studying hours, movie marathons, and dessert overloads. I would have it breakfast lunch dinner PLUS all the little snacks in between. So it is no surprise that there were times I would really lay off on it for years.  Literally.  

But as all slaves to sin go...one day, I'd have a taste and fall in love all over again.  I will sink myself in the wildest frenzy only to drop it again like the hottest potato this side of the earth, right AFTER I got my gluttonous fill.  You could say our relationship was on and off. 

But as I matured (and most likely after I was redeemed) I realized I could enjoy peanut butter more if I don't go overboard.  If I put limits on frequency and boundaries on intake.  (Is this sounding familiar to you?)  Well it worked anyhow and that is why I am like a kid now on a sugar high...  God just gave me peanut butter.  

One of the reasons I call a heart broken is when I feel it has lost any of the candies that it carries.  At least for my heart, I think I've lost a sweet part and I don't know how to get back.  But call our God the Lord of surprises.. He just gave me one.  Sweet sugar wrapped in a small unassuming package.   

He gave me Hope.  and again it's NOT OF A ROMANTIC nature ok??!  at least not yet... haha! THAT is a different story altogether! For now it's just a delight how I realized that God woos us and heals us in so many wonderous ways.  He put each piece of me back together through so many small gestures... 

like letting me hear a favorite song I haven't heard in years

letting me sleep in a cold room while being warmly hugged by Zanne

letting me enjoy childish laughter after a long time of serious soberiety (?) 

allowing me to run and dance in the rain

letting me scream on the top of my lungs at the Katipunan flyover at night

allowing me to sing songs loudly in my car without a care in the world

giving me friends who have my soul in their priority checklist

letting me go back to my solitary evening runs

allowing me to enjoy a quiet conversation whilst enjoying peanut butter and soft bread...  

My days (and more importantly, my nights) right now are still.  Like how the sea is after a raging storm.  No waves there... It's nothing fancy. Nothing elaborate.  It is FULL and it is STILL.  Just the way I prayed it would be. 

At present, my days are NOT full of the things I thought I want.. I am not going out on a dancing spree, hanging out in places reminiscent of CityJam, cavorting in latenight parties, or lounging about in fashionshows (or after parties), going to far flung romantic places for dates, or any other of the things I filled my life with before. 

But don't let me rain on your parade!!! You may be enjoying stuff like this now (or very recently) so I want to make it clear that I am not saying these things are bad - they are just things I thought I want to have again.  But apparently not. 

The way I felt tonight confirmed that.  An hour ago, I was in the car with a friend and we were quietly talking and laughing and it wasn't even serious conversation but it was so light and so easy I was refreshed by this person...  There were no fancy dim lights, no mood music, we were not in a nice place, there wasn't even aircon! We were just hanging on the sidewalk near their house...with peanut butter =)  And it felt comfortable.  Perhaps quiet. Or calm?

I can't quite place it.

One thing's for certain though..It sealed in my heart that whatever it is I am doing or wherever it is that I am, there is nothing more beautiful than being sure I am doing God's will at that moment.  And I was.  

I don't need gliteratti, soft lights, flowers to captivate me.  I need God.

Hmmm.. so tonight ladies and gents, I sleep with my Jesus (and perhaps a little of peanut butter..) on my mind. Yum.

P.S. 

I have always been a little girl enthralled by excitement, a heady rush, a crazy ride, a passionaite thrill... 

But I never thought I'd find it in places that seem so quiet, in things so plain, in activities so simple, and to the naked eye - even boring. 

I just found out that whatever satisfaction there is in appeasing the flesh, is nothing compared to the fiery furor that HE has just ignited in the core of my soul.  Now I carry it everywhere I go.  What can top that?

To be plain about it?

NOTHING.

Absolutely nothing sweetheart.

{black crowes: she talks to angels}

KATRINA YASMINE PEÑALBA Y FERMA

Three names you go by:
1. katz (and variations - kat, katzy, katzky)
2. k
3. katrina (and variations - ket, ketty, ketchup, chuppy)

three screen names you have had:
1. kpenalba
2. yasmineferma
3. katzpenalba

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. eyes
2. back 
3. legs

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. lips
2. nose
3. height

three parts of your heritage:
1. filipino
2. spanish
3. uhm that's it

three things that scare you:
1. losing anyone i love
2. someone close to me who's dying and doesn't know God yet
3. displays of mean-ness

three of your everyday essentials:
1. my date-time with jesus
2. doing something new and scary every day
3. date with someone i love (sister, friend, mom, dad, pets, anyone dear!)

three of your favorite musical artists as of now:
1. jack johnson
2. erykah baduh
3. flunk

three of your favorite songs:
1. gimme one reason
2. when we dance
3. drowning in your eyes

three things you want in a relationship:
1. laughter
2. trust (reliability, dependability)
3. amazing conversations (enough common things to keep us connected and enough differences to keep things spicy)

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. lips
2. arms-hands
3. chest

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. kayaking - anything to do with the outdoors actually (running, hiking, mt. & rock climbing)
2. dancing and sound-tripping
3. reading and writing

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. hideout in a beach or a mountain for a few days 
2. have dinner under the moonlight with someone i love
3. scream and laugh my heart out

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. writer-author-poet
2. sculptor
3. lawyer

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. greece
2. italy
3. brazil

three kid's names you like:
1. davin ______
2. carlos enrique
3. isabella maria 

three things you want to do before you die:
1. accomplish everything God wanted me to do
2. be joyfully married with many babies!!!
3. author books and translate it in at least 2 other languages EXcluding what i know now

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. i can laugh and cry at the same time
2. sucker for "words" (in short nabobola sa salita...)
3. i like to dress up and look and smell good (does that count? hehe)

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. i am detached - i tend to compartmentalize things, situations, events, emotions
2. i play with boys and do boy things like run, climb rocks/mountains, hike, camp, & tend to swagger like one when sooo tired and in rubbershoes 
3. visual creature i guess

three celeb crushes:
1. basti artadi "the rockstar with THE voice and eyes and height and hair and hands...." 
2. adam brody (seth cohen) "the unkept broody intellectual funny wisecracker" hihi!!
3. hugh jackman "the fierce warrior"

three people that i would like to see take this quiz:
1. ptr jonathan b. (curious about the lighter side of my pastor =)
2. paul dar!!! (i don't know anything about him)

3. jordan (miss you!)

This is definitely not your usual blog... it's more of a rant and rave.  of course with the usual hope of YOU having to learn something from what i'll be churning here.  here goes.

I am broken-hearted.  The ever so strong, unaffected, indifferent K is broken.  She has actually let people get close enough to her and in the process felt how it was to be left alone, wishing and hoping, lonely, betrayed, and well yes lied to.   

It's actually a series of events I have managed to run from.. heartaches I thought I could forget as I bury them under my work, my ministry, and the flurry of activities I have managed to surround myself with.  But you see, drawing closer to God has a way of unearthing these things.  I am on a 40-day fast.  NO not starving but more of denying myself of things, habits, and activities that I've held on to. I am denying myself of meat, secular music, junkfood, colored drinks of any kind, and Juan.  Yup, you read it right.  Juan included.  If you've read my blogs before you'll know Juan is THE ONE I am waiting for. 

Over the past months, starting April, I felt as if I was lost in a storm - d likes of a delubyo i might add.

Okay for number 1, Let us start with my bestfriend's leave for the navy.  I felt torn apart inside although of course I didn't know it back then.  I was always okay but the nights gave me away.. there were just nights where I would cry myself to sleep.  I was alone for the first time, and after years of closing my eyes and waking up next to someone, I felt a limb has been taken away.

But God gave me new friends and I love everyone of them.  Each has shared to me his or her own strength and has taught me something through their failings.  But then here's number 2, one of the women that has crept into my heart as my friend recently hurt me.  I was so appalled, I must admit, at the way I felt betrayed.  I felt my skin crawl and I winced (!) when she touched me.  I was shocked at my reaction.  You see it was the first time eversince I became a Christian that someone did that to me.. and from a woman who is herself called a Christian.  Someone I called my friend.  I felt slapped and spit upon, I can't even explain it and right in my face someone told me that God would have wanted me to forgive.. WHHAAATTT??! Well if God insists then sure.  But I have to get even first.  But for the life of me, I CAN'T.  I wanted to hurt her and scream and scrap her out of my life but I can't.  I can't.. It was not that I can't find reasons to - believe me I can come up with a list BUT there's something else.. I just realized I couldn't do that simply because that is not the person I am anymore.   I don't know if I should laugh or cry but I was so frustrated and confused.  There was no warning at all from God.

Then there's number 3.. My Juan.  Oh you won't believe why he's in the list.  Well first, I don't believe in investing too much in any man - not for sadistic reasons but for reasons of self-preservation and purity and obedience.  Men are meant for friends, brothers, fathers nothing more, at least for now. And since Juan has been a constant in my head for the past months now I believe I would benefit from regressing.  I know it all, stick to the Word, guard your heart, and don't let any man near your heart for it belongs to your husband alone. AMEN!! And that is exactly what I have been doing BUT somehow women being women are really suckers for "love".  And the tigasin and strong me is apparently NOT excluded.  I just realized, I have really fallen into serious and dangerous emotions for Juan and I am quitting.  NOW.  I shared this because I want to be honest and transparent as a woman that I have my failings too.  This is it.  And I'm jumping ship before I drown.  Yes, I am letting go.  I believe if he's actually the ONE then nothing will stand in the way of his pursuit of my heart.  I don't want to be loved because I am there, because I do him good or I am good for him, because I am nice, or lovable, or charming or sweet or insanely crazy. There is only one reason I want to be loved - because He loves me in obedience to God's Word.  Only then will I give this heart. 

Wow.  I must have the heart of a rhino. I am still standing after the storms.  Hmmm and gorgeously standing I may add.  

Its only three weeks before the end of my fast.  And I realized so much already. The best lesson so far is that beyond my desire to be loved by someone, I realized I already have the love of the most wonderful man Jesus and with that, His best fighting soldier for me... BUT MORE THAN THAT I am learning to love. Truly.  Finally. 

Love with patience beyond my capacity.  With kindness I didn't believe possible.  Without the envy that easily destroys.  With a humility that is confident in its silence.  With utmost gentleness and absolute selflessness.  Love plainly and truthfully reveling in the freedom it brings.  Always protecting, trusting, hoping, and persevering.  I have prayed long ago to learn to love like this and who would have believed I could? 

Eversince I accepted Jesus I realized I have never actually loved for if I truly believe HE is LOVE How could I have loved before when I did not know him?  Apart from Him all my lovestories were a sham.  In short, I have never actually loved before... until He came. 

Love knows no limit to its endurance
no end to its trust,
Love still stands when all else has fallen.  1 Corinthians 13:7-8

Someday, I will love like this. Completely.  And will definitely be loved this way in return. 

For now I'm fasting! ;)  Yup still broken-hearted... May be smiling and laughing but my heart's still in tears.  But hey, I have never realized I could be this strong if not for those storms.